Fat bastards.

There are some articles that should never be published and yet need to be published to illustrate how poor the NHS and its management is and this is one such article.

So one in three GPs have offended their fat bastard patients by talking about their patients’ weight and the slight possibility that it might have a negative impact on their poor health. 

Oh dear, how sad, never mind. 

As we all know no fat bastard ever puts any food whatsoever into their own mouths, it is always someone elses' fault but when giant haystacks develops a medical problem it is always the NHS’s responsibility and of course the GPs’ fault that they are fat and as a result ill. 

GPs as certain areas of the press frequently report are responsible for all areas of ill health in the UK and that of course includes fat bastards. Given that GPs do nothing else all day other than feed tub after tub of double cream, double chocolate gateaux, fried Mars bars, fish and chips, pizzas, kebabs etc. into their NHS patients’ mouths without their patients’ consent this is completely understandable. 

As some who comment after the above article say they have had complaints about commenting on fat bastards’ weights something that should be no different to pointing out smoking and alcohol habits and their ill effects on patients’ health but for some reason the limp wristed political nancies at NICE think obesity is different.

Clearly no one at NICE did any science and will fully support every fat bastard’s assertion that they have solved the energy crisis as every fat bastard never eats anything, they always eat healthily and are always on the go. The so called Triple that no GP in the whole of the United Kingdom has ever heard when discussing obesity before the complaint from the wise.

They, sorry comrades, comrade fat bastards must be the only people on the planet who have cars which if you start with half a tank of petrol, drive 300 miles at 100 mph nonstop land up with more petrol in the tank at the end than they started with? And of course that will be their GPs’ fault too if it ever happened in the real world.

Curiously none of these fat bastards have ever won a Nobel Prize for rewriting the laws of thermodynamics but will always win the prizes for self-inflicted misuse of the NHS which as we all know is completely free at the point of self centered abuse when they get ill through no fault of their own.

Praise be to the Party for being so NICE to fat bastards it makes them feel valued misusers of the NHS rather than self-inflicted consumers of it through no medical professionals’ fault just their own greed and selfishness.

Welcome back once again to Northernshire.

For the people that govern us anything above the mythical Watford Gap is as Germany was to Ancient Rome a barbarian nation full of hairy warlike peoples with no brains who say Ecky Thump, drink beer, eat fish and chips and race whippets and pigeons while placing ferrets down their trousers. For many of our governors anything north of the Thames is out world as beyond the Houses of Parliament does not exist. 

By way of (re) introduction we are a group of healthcare professionals who have lived in Northernshire for most (but not all) of our lives and work as practising clinicians in various capacities in one of the most affluent areas of Northernshire where private health care abounds, smoking and drinking do not exist and all our patients are Guardian, Country Life and Tatler readers and so if some of what we say is crap you know why.

Most of our observations will be based on those made by our fellow healthcare professionals who work around Northenshire and whose thoughts and observations we have paraphrased here as we pride ourselves as being slightly artistic among the cynical scientists with whom we are forced to work. Their comments will be protected as far as is possible to protect their idents from the various local Starzis that would not like their Soviet or local politburo (PCT=Primary Care Trusts) or now CCG, CQC and other masters’ thoughts and actions to be known to their fellow comrade patients whose health they seek to disrupt in the name of the true God of cheap healthcare called Prudence or in its latest guise STPs (Sustainability and Transformation Plans) which is known elsewhere in the free world as care ont the cheap. 

Competing interests declared as per scientific journals: 

Only one. 

Ensuring good quality health care to the patients for whom we care against the wishes of the Party.

Resistance may be futile but is needed to protect patients from the Party and its organs.

Now read on.